Joy and meaninglessness

A close friend comes over for dinner and we talk about everything as we have done for decades. The creative work we are up to, our high points and low points, the demons that keep chasing us. Is there anything better than to see and hear and be seen and heard, by someone you know well, over good nosh?

At one point I tell her that I’m holding two quite conflicting ideas; the desire to relish every moment of the time I may have left and the feeling of life being meaningless. They seem to contradict each other, but it feels important to acknowledge the frustration of the meaningless nature of my life compared to the old me. But I don’t want to live there, I also need to find joy where I can.

Today was another hospital day for a small procedure. Local anaesthetic and the surgeon chats about his research trial and we  discuss the potential. A moment of joy; communicating with someone who is passionate about their work and which may have important repercussions for patients.

We then talk about post op wound care and he says, ‘You seem like a sensible person.’ That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in some time. Don’t feel at all sensible most of the time.

Waiting at the bus stop, I ask a Muslim woman how Ramadan is going and we chat for some time about the requirements. Apparently if you are too sick to fast, you have a duty to feed someone who is poor instead. Another real exchange and small moment of joy.

Then a quick trip to Carluccio’s for apricot tart and other treats, serious joy for later. Giving my life meaning through small acts of communication and joy.

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