Wake up in a lather of self pity, unusual these days but I recognise the symptoms straight away. The long list of things that I can no longer do, the resentment, eyelids heavy and heart like a stone. I’d like to turn over and sulk for the whole day but urgent action is required, so I force myself out of bed and make a decent breakfast of fruit and yoghurt with lovely seeded bread and marmalade toast. Then into the shower and dress.
These days are even harder to get going than usual, but I know that one step in front of the other is the key to things being easier as the day wears on. But it’s difficult to carpe the bloody diem when even eating toast requires monumental effort.
Then a pal I haven’t spoken too in a long time calls for news and the day brightens. Communication with the outside world is essential on these days and every little helps. Later in the morning a priest friend stops by and we catch up on mutual news and then talk about the spiritual desert I currently find myself in. He nudges me gently in a different direction and things don’t seem quite so desperate.
Lunch and then hospital again where the staff as ever are kind, professional and efficient. A woman is doing aromatherapy while we wait for our appointments, it smells wonderful and a gentle massage helps rebalance the world.
Take the bus home and buy some chutney which suddenly I feel I can’t live without a moment longer – need the spice in this palely loitering life. The sun comes out, there’s a crossword to do and a pile of DVDs to look forward to. I’ve managed to get off the self pity express and get some nourishment from the day, a small but not insignificant triumph.