Swings and roundabouts

So here’s the thing. For the past six months, I’ve woken with a sense of dread, an all-enveloping black cloud of darkness rolling over and through me. Deeply negative thoughts of my current changed life being meaningless, worthless and pointless.  Generally lasts until lunch time when it just goes away, leaving exhaustion and relief in its wake. Hard to function at all when the cloud is through, with and in me. Haul myself out of bed with the promise of breakfast, often go back to bed with exhaustion at wrestling these demons, reason with myself to take a shower, get dressed, make it to lunch time. Every morning for six months.

Since Friday, the cloud has gone. Just disappeared. I’m not sure why or how and it’s only been three days, so I’ve still not got used to waking up and not feeling it. I’m cautious that it may come back any day, but it’s a very welcome respite. That’s the swings.

Instead I have a very bad back which makes moving, sitting down, picking things up painful. Yesterday I managed to drop the grabber stick, which allows me to pick things up and spent a good fifteen minutes trying to pick it up. Tried treading on the end, like a rake, but that didn’t work. Tried clutching it between my toes, but the back only allows me to lift my leg to a certain angle. Tried swearing profusely to get it to levitate. In the end used the curve of my stick to lob it on to the sofa.

And the added bonus of my old pal disturbed sleep. Since Friday I’ve woken at three am and not been able to get back to sleep. I’ve gone the warm drink, loo, banana route, followed by reading. That’s the roundabouts.

At the moment I’ll settle for the roundabouts, physical pain is manageable with tablets and I still have a stock of sleeping tablets. It’s a lot better than the darkness of the swings.


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