Went to see the big cheese consultant yesterday and the news is good for a change. Things are pretty stable and he doesn’t want to see me for another three months. Even better, I can stop the daily injections which are really hard work and have left me very bruised.
It doesn’t change the long term weather forecast which is still grim, but the shorter term may have some sunny periods.
He’s obviously a bit surprised that I’m not happier at the news and reiterates that this is the best news it could be at the moment. I’m appreciative but a bit indifferent and explain that my energy levels are at rock bottom and it’s hard to function at all until late morning. He says there’s no obvious physical reason for that and suspects that I’m depressed, ‘not surprisingly after the year you’ve had.’
Ah the d word. I’ve danced around it for months, realising that the build up of losses are a kind of grief, that can be overwhelming. But this numbness is more than grief and loss and it needs sorting. He suggests discussing it with my GP so I make an appointment for early next week. Am reluctant to take any more medication, but it seems that I’m not going to get through this without it.
Text my friends and they are all delighted and send me happy texts back. It’s a measure of how anaesthetised I feel that I can’t join in the celebrations, just watch them from behind my plate glass window.