Fighting the undertow

Ah but it was glorious to visit my old life today – spent the day training and it went very well. But it was all the extras that I miss most, feeling agency in the world, popping out at lunch time like everyone else to get something to eat, getting the latest office gossip. And I miss teaching like a much needed blood transfusion, not just being good at it and passing on my skills, but interacting with people, witnessing the light bulb moments, just being in the classroom.

However lovely it was to visit, I also need to acknowledge that life has pretty much gone, I no longer have the strength or energy for full time work. Though I feel pretty energised at the end of a very long day, I know tomorrow is unpredictable.

But what I did understand today is that I have been inhabited by all the losses of the past year. Not surprising I know, since my life has changed radically and I have to learn to live with serious illness. The accumulation of losses has knocked me down like a giant wave at the beach, so that I’ve somehow become the losses, rather  than just experiencing them. There comes a point when you no longer have the strength or capacity to struggle against the undertow.

As I was sitting in Pret at lunchtime today, just like everyone else, eating a sandwich, looking at my texts and keeping an eye on the time before going back to work, I realised that I can’t continue being inhabited by the losses, great though they are.

Time to try and start living again.

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