Towards the light

This time last year I was in an ambulance heading towards intensive care, seriously ill. The good friend who called the ambulance and came with me happened to come to dinner last night and I wanted to go over the story with her. The thing is, I was only semi-conscious for several days before she found me and have no memory of the previous twenty four hours, other than falling out of bed at one point (took me several hours to get up) and desperately thirsty, going to the kitchen for elderflower cordial, which happened to be sitting there. I know it was the cordial, because my brother later   came to get me some clothes and said the kitchen was completely sticky from where I had missed the glass over and over again.

It never occurred to me to phone for help, I just wanted to sleep. Eventually the daughter of said friend, who was coming to dinner, raised the alarm when she couldn’t get an answer from me and the police had to break in. I didn’t even hear them banging the door, other than as a distant drum.

She filled in some of the blanks, which was somehow reassuring. it’s odd to only vaguely remember flashes of what was a life-threatening situation. I do remember the kindness of the paramedics but had completely forgotten my shortness of breath and low blood pressure. More than anything I just wanted to sleep. But fortunately they gently insisted on hospital, thereby saving my life.

I’ve felt a bit discombobulated these last few days, as though history might repeat itself and every twinge has been a source of nervous questioning.

Fine now though and today is the shortest day. Great to be going towards the light.

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