Had a quiet day indoors today after a hectic (for me) ten days. Mostly slept and listened to the radio with a bit of reading thrown in. Felt liberating not to go outside and wrestle with the world, though I did stick my head out of the window for a bit of air at one point.
Feeling much better and realise that my Lenten resolve of extreme kindness to myself is as hard as anything I’ve ever given up. Even the memorable year when I gave up both tea and coffee and my friends were begging for mercy at the withdrawal symptoms.
Being extremely kind to myself means having the odd day of doing nothing and eating as well as possible.
I realise the very dark moments in the day may be connected with not eating; these days my appetite no longer works like clockwork, I have to remind myself to eat, particularly at lunchtime. Eating is rarely the great pleasure it used to be, I often can’t summon the energy or enthusiasm to cook interesting meals from scratch, though I can eat them when put in front of me.
So on Sunday I had breakfast and then didn’t eat until late in the evening, for various reasons. On the way home on the bus I was filled with darkness, the feeling that this is all just too hard. I got home and made a cheese omelette and felt much better. So I’m keeping an eye on the clock and trying to eat regularly through the day.
It turns out extreme kindness to self requires practice.